Houston, we have a problem

In September, we hit rock bottom. Life was not just hard, it had become impossible. No matter how hard I tried to simply power-through, I just didn't have the energy to keep moving forward, let alone keep tackling the ever-increasing uphill struggles life was throwing at me.

My Sufferer had hit his lowest point in the six years I have known him. The decline had started to gather pace in August but come September, he was there - ultimate low - and I was stuck down the hole with him. And yet, we couldn't have been further apart if we'd have tried.

I tried to tell him that we were at a breaking point and that he was definitely in a bad place. He tried to tell me he hadn't changed in those six years and that he had always been the same. He most certainly hadn't. I knew that wasn't right.

I told him when he had been at his best in recent years - just after the birth of our son (now 2 years old). He was my rock. He was amazing. And I had told him that. I reminded him of that - not to make him feel guilty but because I couldn't let him believe what he was telling himself. It was the only way I could think of showing him that he wasn't thinking clearly. And that he most certainly wasn't my rock. [Made me think of this song - it's not a cheerful one!]

At that time, I hadn't done any research into depression. I resented it too much. It already drained far too much of my time and energy - investing any more of my time in it felt as though I would be encouraging its greed, its thirst for my life-force. I acted in the only way I could and I guess that was the non-physical equivalent of picking him up and shaking him!

Around that time, the #write31days project tottered past my nose via a newsfeed post and I was desperate to reclaim some small amount of my life. The idea of writing each day for 31 days through October was incredibly appealing. The guidelines suggested choosing a topic that was of personal relevance to current life. Something you needed or wanted to know more about. Well, that was an easy decision. Depression.

I figured I'd use the project as a way of releasing my thoughts and feelings - ranting through the rough bits. And there were so many - we really didn't know if we would make it through together or apart.

But then, things changed. Not overnight but over the last month or so. Doctor's appointments, medication discussions, mindfulness courses, regular exercise...and a whole host of effort on the part of my Sufferer to regain control. To put the black dog on his lead. To let him bark without running straight to him.

It means that I have had far less to write about than I thought I would have.

On the immensely pleasing plus side though, I have spent my time thus far researching the subject, now that it isn't stealing all of my time. And I have been sharing that in the hope it might just help someone out there.

Right now, life is good. The black dog has gone from St. Bernard to chihuahua - still here, but taking up less space in everything we do.

There is hope for you all. Always hope.

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What Depression Is Not.

I am as guilty as the next person of misunderstanding depression.

Thanks to the secret-sharing app, Whisper, people have been able to share the misconceptions about depression that bother them. Click here to see all 20


How many are you guilty of? There are some I still can't quite get my head round. But I will try. And I will keep trying for as long as it takes.

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Dear Diary...

In yesterday's post, the World Health Organisation's advice included keeping a Depression Journal/Black Dog Diary. Call it what you will - I liked the sound of it and decided I'd look into the whys and wherefores.

Firstly, it doesn't have to be an actual, written diary. For those who would find the idea of writing down thoughts/feelings tantamount to torture, recording them as an audio file can work too. Don't dismiss the option just yet.

When I think about keeping a diary, I immediately see an 11-year old girl sitting in her PJs, drawing hearts around a boy's name or detailing how Boy A happened to glance at her today in the Humanities Corridor. Oh my! It doesn't have to be that way folks - and that isn't the aim.

One of the main reasons why it can be an effective method of coping with depression is that it gives a Sufferer the chance to see things in black and white - thoughts, feelings, fears - and that makes it far easier to accept them and devise a plan to begin addressing them. Just thinking things through enough to write them down helps to order your thoughts - that's why I am a listaholic! It also helps things 'stick' in your head. How many times have you written a shopping list and then left it at home but managed to get everything anyway because the writing it down had helped you to remember the details?

By helping to keep certain things in mind, it can help the Sufferer to identify real-life examples or instances during the day. That's half the battle because it turns the mind straight to finding ways to find solutions there and then when the feelings are current, not recalled.

The advice seems to be that the journal should be written entirely to yourself. However, a further step in utilising this method to manage depression is to eventually share the writings with someone else - a mental health professional or someone very close. It basically fits with the old adage of 'a problem shared is a problem halved'. It's practically impossible to overcome depression entirely alone.

According to Jessie Gruman, PhD, executive director of the Center for the Advancement of Health (www.cfah.org) in Washington:

Sit in a comfortable chair, take a deep breath, and start writing. Keep it up for 20 minutes without stopping. See what comes out. If you are having trouble putting your finger on what's bothering you this may help you narrow the field." See the article here

She goes on to suggest that, if you don't really know where to start, pick a problem that often crops up and write down what it is that bothers about said problem. Then, write down possible outcomes and consider which seems most appealing and why.

Finally, you should make sure there's no element of 'chore' to the whole thing. So pick a pretty journal or write in glittery pens. Scrap punctuation if you like. Sod the urge to spell-check. Relax - this is for you, not a teacher!

It's all about the process rather than any end result.

Give it a try - it just might help!

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Dog-sitting

This is another great video from the World Health Organisation, addressing those of us living with a Sufferer. 

It's a must-watch.

There are some great ideas in here. I'm definitely going to look into the possibility of creating a Black Dog Box and also see what the benefits of keeping a Depression Journal might be.

Watch this space!

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Facebook Friends and Party People

My Sufferer is one of those people who has a billion 'friends' on Facebook. He checks Twitter almost constantly. He is about as sociable as media would ever want him to be. However, in reality, he struggles a great deal with being sociable.

The circumstances don't really matter - we can be at his parents' house, at home with visitors or sat in a café having lunch - but he will always hide behind the screen of his smartphone, the pages of a book or the newspaper.

What's worse is that he cannot comprehend why I point out that his behaviour is anything other than perfectly socially acceptable. He just can't see it.

I wouldn't mind so much if he were interacting with people on his mobile phone but that is never the case. Yes, he texts/chats/messages people but that isn't out of any human desire to be sociable, rather it is provoked by someone's need for information on a topic in his area of expertise.

I have experienced no greater sense of loneliness than being in the same room as someone who behaves this way.

Apparently it is quite a common trait amongst sufferers of depression. Infact, I gather that it can become entirely overwhelming and lead to complete withdrawal from society and avoidance of any form of interaction. I feel so fortunate that my Sufferer manages to function far better than he might, given the circumstances.

As with any kind of change in behaviour, little steps are key. Pushing yourself to move in the right direction - slowly but surely.

We've taken a couple more steps in the right direction today. Or rather, my Sufferer has and I've been merrily dragged along too :)

This may seem trivial, but I can see the enormity of this one action: He posted on Facebook. Not about sport. About his own life. In fact, it was about our son and he even tagged me in it. What this did was leave him vulnerable which is why he never usually mentions real life on Facebook. I was elated. I did what anyone else would do. I clicked LIKE. Didn't want to go overboard now did I! ;)

As if that weren't enough, we had also been invited to a house-warming party at 4pm today. We went. With three children, there is no way we were turning down an invitation to a house party which extended to offspring! Might be the first time we've been to a party in...errr...yeah, that long!

And he was great. No phone in sight. No other 'shields'. Just him being himself with a bunch of people he had either never met or barely knew. And it wasn't as though there was a crowd to 'disappear' into - not quite a dozen, chatting in the kitchen. You would never know he were a fish out of water in these situations - he is chatty, funny, warm...

I'm sure he would have been pleased (?relieved) had I said I didn't feel like going. I'm over the moon that we went and that he has been buoyed-up today. It's another step along the journey and I for one intend on keeping looking up to wards the sky and not worrying about if/when/whether there will be a 'downwards' to consider someday.

Live in hope folks. There's always hope.

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Change by Portia Nelson

Change is hard.

Surviving depression relies on it, however. And that applies to both Sufferers and Supporters alike.

While my Sufferer is working on making changes to help him maintain an even keel and avoid, wherever possible, the lows that grind his life to a halt, I must also make changes in behaviour. I realise that, for a start, I must be more open to help - asking for it, not just accepting of it.

On this journey of change, the following poem might help. Change isn't easy and it doesn't happen over night. It doesn't happen simply because you want it to - although that is a very powerful first step.

Don't be disheartened. Keep going. You'll get there.

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GOAL!

There is nothing more intimidating than a blank page.

This is true in blogging as it is in life.

Sometimes having too many possibilities leads to a lack of focus.

It can be overwhelming.

Depression can feel just like that. And it is something my Sufferer struggles with. Everything in life seems so huge that there’s nowhere to begin. The end aim is just too huge and distant it seems entirely unachievable. And so, nothing happens. Nothing gets done. Day after day, the same pattern emerges and it is soul-destroying.

One way to overcome this is through goal-setting. Many of us have come across the concept of setting SMART goals. To be SMART, a goal must be:

Specific            “I want to lose 10 lbs” not “I want to lose weight”

Measurable       “I will be able to cook 5 new recipes” not “I will be a better cook”

Attainable         “I want to learn how to play euphonium” not “I want to grow wings and fly”

Relevant           “I will learn French before our holiday in France” not “I’ll learn Greek…”

Time-bound      “By Friday…” not “…soon”

There are variations but they’re basically making the same point with alternative vocabulary! It’s just common sense really but it helps to have a little mnemonic as a reminder.

This method works by breaking down the enormous task ahead – climbing out of your depression hole – and allows the Sufferer to focus on a teeny tiny step – but a step in the right direction no less. Each goal is achieved and then another is set. The mind is re-trained to realise that it can still accomplish things.

Not only is this a way to begin taking those little steps towards recovery, there are other excellent reasons to set goals.

1. We have a focus.
2. We become mobilised – we have a direction to be heading in.
3. We gain persistence.
4. We are motivated to find ways of achieving each goal.

The first goal my Sufferer has set himself is to eat one banana every day. [If this seems entirely random, please read my post regarding the connections between food and depression!] I’ve helped him to achieve this by buying plenty of them! But I know I can’t be the one to set the goals for him – that would defeat the object and leave him with yet another reason to feel he is being put under pressure and at risk of failing – and nobody needs that. 

All I can do is encourage him to keep setting new goals that fit the criteria. And, little by little, he will hopefully find things gliding back into perspective and our lives will be able to start moving forwards once again.

Please feel free to share your experiences. Or just leave a comment to say you dropped by. Good luck all!

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