Dog-fighting

Arguments happen. No matter whether you live with a Sufferer of depression or not. They are inevitable and, in fact, often a sign of a healthy relationship apparently.

However, I find myself running round in circles sometimes. Arguments that I know aren't going anywhere but won't come to an end. They follow a pattern. I can sense the descent into a downwards spiral but I can't do anything to change it.

I try logic, reasoning, shouting! Nothing works. I tell my Sufferer what's happening. He takes offence and the argument takes a turn in another direction. It's self-perpetuating.

And the worst of it is knowing that it will swallow up all available time and energy - like a black hole - and it will just spit me out at the end. Spent. As if I had nothing better to do.

Today, I worked out why this keeps happening. I'm not arguing with my partner. I'm arguing with a black dog that lives with us. No matter what I say, he can't hear me. The black dog has taken over. He is powerless to push the black dog away. He can't hear me. And, when backed into a corner, a dog's only response is to attack. And so it does.

We have talked about this and can't find a solution to avoid it happening again and again. All we can come up with is my Sufferer needs to try to find a way through the dog. Not easy when the black dog's presence is all-encompassing. Alternatively, he may, perhaps, try to put his trust in me when I tell him I can see what's happening.

If it were the other way round, I really don't know if I could do that.

I'm sure we're not alone in this predicament. I do wonder if anyone has found a way to overcome this facet of depression though.

Feel free to share your advice.

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GOAL!

There is nothing more intimidating than a blank page.

This is true in blogging as it is in life.

Sometimes having too many possibilities leads to a lack of focus.

It can be overwhelming.

Depression can feel just like that. And it is something my Sufferer struggles with. Everything in life seems so huge that there’s nowhere to begin. The end aim is just too huge and distant it seems entirely unachievable. And so, nothing happens. Nothing gets done. Day after day, the same pattern emerges and it is soul-destroying.

One way to overcome this is through goal-setting. Many of us have come across the concept of setting SMART goals. To be SMART, a goal must be:

Specific            “I want to lose 10 lbs” not “I want to lose weight”

Measurable       “I will be able to cook 5 new recipes” not “I will be a better cook”

Attainable         “I want to learn how to play euphonium” not “I want to grow wings and fly”

Relevant           “I will learn French before our holiday in France” not “I’ll learn Greek…”

Time-bound      “By Friday…” not “…soon”

There are variations but they’re basically making the same point with alternative vocabulary! It’s just common sense really but it helps to have a little mnemonic as a reminder.

This method works by breaking down the enormous task ahead – climbing out of your depression hole – and allows the Sufferer to focus on a teeny tiny step – but a step in the right direction no less. Each goal is achieved and then another is set. The mind is re-trained to realise that it can still accomplish things.

Not only is this a way to begin taking those little steps towards recovery, there are other excellent reasons to set goals.

1. We have a focus.
2. We become mobilised – we have a direction to be heading in.
3. We gain persistence.
4. We are motivated to find ways of achieving each goal.

The first goal my Sufferer has set himself is to eat one banana every day. [If this seems entirely random, please read my post regarding the connections between food and depression!] I’ve helped him to achieve this by buying plenty of them! But I know I can’t be the one to set the goals for him – that would defeat the object and leave him with yet another reason to feel he is being put under pressure and at risk of failing – and nobody needs that. 

All I can do is encourage him to keep setting new goals that fit the criteria. And, little by little, he will hopefully find things gliding back into perspective and our lives will be able to start moving forwards once again.

Please feel free to share your experiences. Or just leave a comment to say you dropped by. Good luck all!

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Keeping the Plates Spinning

I had a lovely day on Saturday - friends, family, food - it should really have happened on a Sunday and taken place entirely from the comfort of my PJs but it was still perfect. Better still, it has inspired this post.

My day started with a long-overdue coffee and catch-up with an old school friend. He is not old, of course - we remain 24 regardless of how many contradictory years may pass! We have known each other since High School where we barely acknowledged each other's existence. 

Roll on a couple of decades and I like to think we're pretty good friends but with very different lives. I live in south Wales, in the UK, where life bumbles along through the drizzle. He lives his Filmmaker, Writer, Director days in the far more glamourous setting of Los Angeles. In amongst the general chatter about recent babies (my two boys who have both arrived since we last saw each other some six years ago! And his teeny tiny niece), he happened to mention that he is currently working on no fewer than 26 projects. 26? Two. Six. Twenty-six! And I'm sure at least a few of them will culminate with some kind of red-carpet opportunity! *not jealous, honest*

I rattled off a few of my own 'projects' mostly as a stab at a witty riposte. But it got me thinking. Just how many irons do I have in life's fire at present? It would be incredibly short-sighted to consider my life to be nothing but lie-ins and long weekends simply because I don't currently conform to the standard 9-5. So here goes - my current 'projects' include:

1. Raising three children (school runs, toddler groups, bedtimes)
2. Running a large household (balancing the books, making meals, cleaning)
3. Learning how to run (interval training every other day - up to 3.68km now)
4. Breastfeeding my youngest son
5. Expressing breastmilk for donation to a mother of twins in need
6. Helping my partner run his business (impending event in 24 hours!)
7. Write 31 Days
8. Helping other breastfeeding mums online and at the local support groups

Phewf. Not a bad list really. There is no contest, of course. I wasn't trying to compete. What really got me thinking was that I still have to try to fulfil my responsibilities when my Sufferer hits a low point. I have all of these plates spinning and I can't afford to let any of them stop turning.

The running and support group might seem dispensable but they are my only real source of satisfaction and solace. As things get tough, it's very easy for a Supporter to drop anything 'non-essential' just to make it through but that can be counter-productive. Anything that helps to keep a Supporter on an even keel IS essential. You can't be any help to your Sufferer if your stress and anxiety levels are creeping up. Removing any kind of sports activity from your 'to do' list will only make is harder for you to cope with the added demands of depression. Similarly, if you have external responsibilities which, like the Breastfeeding Group I attend, make me feel good, they are important. Furthermore, stopping them can make you feel as though you are letting others down and you don't need that guilty feeling on top of everything else.

So, how are we supposed to cope?

Erm...I don't really know yet. But I have a few ideas.

The first step is identifying when you are getting over-whelmed which can be easier said than done. Watch out for the tell-tale signs that your Sufferer is struggling and start setting-up a support structure. Better still, have one in place already and put it on 'alert' as soon as you can.

Try to get organised. If everything is pretty much where it should be when things turn turtle then it should make it easier to carry on regardless. Nothing worse than being buried under a mountain of dirty washing, overdue bills and household items on the 'Missing' list when your Sufferer then hits a low point - there's no climbing out of that hole on your own. Try to find a website that can help break down what to streamline. I like this blog or there are many others on organisation to be found on #Write31Days.

Your support network might be friends and family members who might not be able to cure your Sufferer, but they can certainly pick up the slack for you. Someone who can take the kids to the park for a bit. Maybe your in-laws would like to have you all round for dinner - saves you cooking that meal!

And if you don't have people nearby who can help out, survival is going to rely on your ability to relax a bit. I don't mean you should just pour an enormous glass of wine, put your feet up and throw on a Pan Pipes CD! You'll need to relax your standards a bit. So what if you haven't hoovered for so long the carpet looks a different colour? Is it actually going to do any long-term damage? Probably not. And I'm sure you're all, like me, preparing only the most perfectly balanced, organic, vegan haute cuisine for your loved ones (!) but if you have to turn to that grey stuff in a plastic pot at the back of the freezer or more takeaways than you'd normally have in a year, so be it. Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to relax the rules to allow you to survive.

If you can blend all three of these elements - organisation, support, relaxation - you have every chance of finding the time (at least) to pick up the slack for your Sufferer.

It's still not easy - pride often makes it difficult to ask for help. Time pressures in ordinary life can make it impossible to get on top of being organised. I know this. I'm in the same position myself. I plan on trying to get a Back-up Plan in place - starting with making sure those close to us have some idea just what it can be like when things go pear-shaped. I must get organised too (and finish the unpacking!).

Oh, and if you have the cash to splash, definitely throw money at the problem! When you can't bear the house looking scruffy any longer, get a cleaner in. Buy ready meals that cost a fortune but get you fed fast. Buy a smartphone to keep your schedule on track. Pay your kids to do chores! Anything that helps you get through it.

I'll let you know when I've managed to practise that which I preach. Please do the same.

Share your tips for surviving the lows. Here's to the highs that are hopefully just around the corner.

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The Rough with the Smooth

I've said it before but I'll say it again just to be clear. Living with a Sufferer of depression is challenging but it's not all hellish misery and frustration. Not every minute of every day is an uphill struggle through treacle. Today was one of those good days. As such, this will be a rather more personal post than most.

Life is busy at the moment in our house. We only moved recently so there is still a certain amount of organising that needs doing - none of which is getting done at the moment! We have three children - one at senior school who is just learning to balance the demands of homework and social life, a toddler with two settings - sleep and run, and a six-month old who has just started weaning.

On top of all this background 'busy'ness, my partner also runs a business from home and with an event to finalise and run in only 48 hours there has been a great long list of things to be done. If you know depression, you'll know that getting things done can be impossible for many reasons. I've been draughted in to help wherever necessary - just a few weeks ago, this meant that I was expected to do everything and I was at the end of my tether. Utterly overwhelmed with the demands of day-to-day life, the move, the homework and now I was going to have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in to an event I knew little of in an industry I knew nothing of.

But today was different. In fact, 'things' have been improving every day. Only in teeny steps but they are all heading in the right direction. Today we actually seemed to be on an even keel. And that is no mean feat! Yes, the kitchen is a tip. The cupboards are bare because a) we haven't had time to go shopping, but b) we also haven't had time to un/load the dishwasher! Everything kitchen-related (and a fair few random items!) have begun to settle in on the worktop. Oh, and some of the dirty washing has made it as far as a basket in front of the washing machine but there it remains, unwashed.

What was different today though was the action my partner exuded. I don't think I heard "I just can't" once today - well, I may have uttered it when it came to 'magicking' dinner from The Kitchen of Doom. We wrote a list on the whiteboard in our office - a joint effort rather than me adopting the role of military dictator, we identified who would do what and in what order, and we got shit done! Woohoo! There's still a pile of stuff to do and things seem to be falling out of place as quickly as we slot them in but it felt today as though we (that's WE, not I) could handle it...together.

Having finally made it to the dinner table, we sat and smiled through our baby's first proper meal. He is the World's happiest baby almost all the time anyway but tonight, chomping on a crust of toast, some baby sweetcorn and finally a (very boring) baby biscuit, he shone. To a joint chorus of "he's learning how to eat so nicely from you because you're his big brother", and more chuckling than I've heard in a long while, the littlest one shared his smiley, slobbery adventure with us all. What could easily have been a stressful event, relying on my planning and execution while my partner dipped in and out or cruised through on auto-pilot, has actually given us all a lovely shared memory of baby's first dinner and a satisfying end to that very rare thing - a productive day.

Just when I thought the day had finished on a good note, my best friend sent me a message and a video link. She said it reminded her of the two of us and our inability to avoid the giggles when we were working together. In fact, the harder we tried to stop, the worse we got. Every time. And there have been very many over the 15 or so years we've known and loved each other. The video - which is a 'must watch' - made me laugh. Again. And it reminded me just how good it feels to laugh.

We should all have laughter in our lives. When we find something that tickles us, we should remember just how lucky we are - not everyone has the opportunity and some of those who do just can't enjoy these little things when they come along.

Enjoy!

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Cartoon time

I wish I were smart enough to have come up with this cartoon strip. I think its brilliance lies in its simplicity.

The original can be found here and is worth a look.

Does this reflect your experience with depression?












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Sufferers vs. Supporters

Oh right. It's another source of information to help those of us living with a sufferer of depression to walk on egg shells, carry on regardless, pick up the slack whilst grinning & bearing it.

Nope. It isn't.

I live with someone who suffers from depression, as you might have assumed. It can be miserable. And lonely. When I sought help/support/advice on the internet, all I found were sites full of advice on how to help the Sufferer - nothing seemed to offer us, the Supporters, any support. Why not?

I have no idea why not. As almost everything I read confirms, it is very hard for a Sufferer to take steps towards recovery without some help from someone they are close to. In fact, our family doctor pointed out that it is often very difficult for a Sufferer to realise that their behaviour is indicative of depression and not just 'the way they are' unless they have someone they are close to to point it out to them. Furthermore, it is usually the Supporter who can detail these symptoms/examples of depressive behaviour far more succinctly which makes diagnosis and treatment at least a little easier to initiate.

There are countless sources of information and support for Sufferers, many of which we will be taking a look at over the next 30 posts but I am keen to hear of any resources aimed at providing much-needed support to Supporters. And, to clarify, I do not mean sources of info that tell us how we can help our loved ones. 

What I need is to work out how I am supposed to carry on with the usual demands of life and take extra care of myself and/or my partner when required. That shouldn't be seen as a 'woe is me' looking for pity - quite the contrary. Do you have any practical tips/advice? Do you have a Back-up Plan for when your Sufferer hits a low point? Is every day a low point? Do you have a support network of friends/family you can call on? Do you actually call on them?

I hope you'll join me and I welcome your comments. All I ask is that, if you are the Sufferer rather than the Supporter, you bear in mind that this has been designated a safe space for Supporters to seek solace and if that should include having a good old whinge about how tough it is living with and loving their Sufferers, then so be it.

Here's to the journey folks!

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Living with a sufferer of depression

My partner suffers from depression.

Living with and loving someone who suffers from depression is incredibly challenging and in so many different ways.

One of the hardest things is having very little knowledge or understanding of Depression - its causes/symptoms/cures (!) and I really should be better informed.

My hope is that at the end of these 31 Days of Writing, I will have become far more informed, shared that knowledge with anyone reading out there and perhaps created a place where others in my situation can share advice, support and sometimes an ear that's willing to hear us rant!

If you're along for the ride, it'll no doubt be a bumpy one...but you're probably used to that already!

Posts in this Series
2. Sufferers vs Supporters
3. www.mind.org.uk & What is Depression?
4. The Chicken or the Egg?
5. Cartoon Time
6. The Rough with the Smooth
7. Keeping the Plates Spinning
8. An Apology.
9. GOAL!
10. Change by Portia Nelson
11. Facebook Friends and Party People
12. Dog-sitting
13. Dear Diary...
14. What Depression Is Not.
15. Houston...we have a problem
16. DEPRESSION - The Most Important Piece Of Advice
17. Before you diagnose yourself with depression...
18. Separation will keep you together
19. Nature vs. Depression
20. Mirror, Mirror...
21. GUEST POST: "I can't be bothered", by My Sufferer
22. The Rain
23. 10 Things that might just help with Depression
24. Dog-fighting 
25. Life is a Rollercoaster 
26. Caring for someone with depression : netdoctor article
27. Worthlessness
28. Vitality 
29. Epiphany and Inertia
30. Where to next?
31. My Way 


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