DEPRESSION - The Most Important Piece of Advice

This could be the most important piece of advice I have learned so far - so listen up.

Tell people that you are trying to support a sufferer of depression.

Tell your family, friends, work colleagues.

Stop hiding it and hiding from it.

No-one can help if they don't know you might need their help.

And by the time you need their help, you won't feel like telling them the whole story before asking for some help.

Who knows, you might even find a fellow Supporter hiding their story.

I wish I'd said something sooner - it feels like a weight has been lifted in some ways.

Don't struggle on your own - don't even try. No-one can beat depression on their own - whether a Sufferer, a Supporter or even a medical professional.

And don't forget - there's always hope.

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The Rough with the Smooth

I've said it before but I'll say it again just to be clear. Living with a Sufferer of depression is challenging but it's not all hellish misery and frustration. Not every minute of every day is an uphill struggle through treacle. Today was one of those good days. As such, this will be a rather more personal post than most.

Life is busy at the moment in our house. We only moved recently so there is still a certain amount of organising that needs doing - none of which is getting done at the moment! We have three children - one at senior school who is just learning to balance the demands of homework and social life, a toddler with two settings - sleep and run, and a six-month old who has just started weaning.

On top of all this background 'busy'ness, my partner also runs a business from home and with an event to finalise and run in only 48 hours there has been a great long list of things to be done. If you know depression, you'll know that getting things done can be impossible for many reasons. I've been draughted in to help wherever necessary - just a few weeks ago, this meant that I was expected to do everything and I was at the end of my tether. Utterly overwhelmed with the demands of day-to-day life, the move, the homework and now I was going to have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in to an event I knew little of in an industry I knew nothing of.

But today was different. In fact, 'things' have been improving every day. Only in teeny steps but they are all heading in the right direction. Today we actually seemed to be on an even keel. And that is no mean feat! Yes, the kitchen is a tip. The cupboards are bare because a) we haven't had time to go shopping, but b) we also haven't had time to un/load the dishwasher! Everything kitchen-related (and a fair few random items!) have begun to settle in on the worktop. Oh, and some of the dirty washing has made it as far as a basket in front of the washing machine but there it remains, unwashed.

What was different today though was the action my partner exuded. I don't think I heard "I just can't" once today - well, I may have uttered it when it came to 'magicking' dinner from The Kitchen of Doom. We wrote a list on the whiteboard in our office - a joint effort rather than me adopting the role of military dictator, we identified who would do what and in what order, and we got shit done! Woohoo! There's still a pile of stuff to do and things seem to be falling out of place as quickly as we slot them in but it felt today as though we (that's WE, not I) could handle it...together.

Having finally made it to the dinner table, we sat and smiled through our baby's first proper meal. He is the World's happiest baby almost all the time anyway but tonight, chomping on a crust of toast, some baby sweetcorn and finally a (very boring) baby biscuit, he shone. To a joint chorus of "he's learning how to eat so nicely from you because you're his big brother", and more chuckling than I've heard in a long while, the littlest one shared his smiley, slobbery adventure with us all. What could easily have been a stressful event, relying on my planning and execution while my partner dipped in and out or cruised through on auto-pilot, has actually given us all a lovely shared memory of baby's first dinner and a satisfying end to that very rare thing - a productive day.

Just when I thought the day had finished on a good note, my best friend sent me a message and a video link. She said it reminded her of the two of us and our inability to avoid the giggles when we were working together. In fact, the harder we tried to stop, the worse we got. Every time. And there have been very many over the 15 or so years we've known and loved each other. The video - which is a 'must watch' - made me laugh. Again. And it reminded me just how good it feels to laugh.

We should all have laughter in our lives. When we find something that tickles us, we should remember just how lucky we are - not everyone has the opportunity and some of those who do just can't enjoy these little things when they come along.

Enjoy!

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The Chicken or the Egg?

I have learned so much today and am armed with an array of further research that should keep us in blog posts til about Christmas! Assuming I can find the time to actually read it all!

Today has been a food day though so I just had to tell you about it.

My Sufferer is a fussy eater. In fact, he is in a league of his own with his fussiness! No just certain foods but flavours, textures, levels of ripeness, methods of cooking... you name it. It's annoying and often embarrassing - my 31 year old partner requires more thought when planning food than any one of our 3 children! Today's hardship was apparently the wrong flavour gravy to go with the lovely roast my aunt had prepared.

Is this a depression thing or is he just incredibly fussy?

I have no idea. However, I have learned that there are foods that Sufferers should be eating and not just for general health reasons but because they actively help with mood. These include:

• Brown rice
• Brewer's yeast
• Whole grain oats
• Cabbage
• Raw cacao
• Brazil nuts
• Dark molasses
• Walnuts
• Flaxseed
• Oily fish (salmon/tuna)
• Bananas

The crux of it seems to be boosting B vitamins, selenium and Omega-3 fatty acids. For lots more info, take a look here.

This is only part of the picture though. Apparently there are a whole host of drugs - prescription and non-prescription - which reduce your body's levels of these vitamins and minerals.

On top of that, Sufferers should avoid caffeine, smoking and foods high on fat and/sugar. My partner drinks lots of Coke, eats sweets by the tonne and would happily live on McDonald's which might explain something.

He might be happy to learn that chocolate is on the menu for its ability to increase endorphin levels but not the yummy milk choccie that is also rammed with sugar!

Have your Sufferers identified foods that affect them? Have you noticed any patterns? I'm going to see what we can do between us to test this theory. Don't expect anything too scientific bit I will report back.

Good luck!

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Sufferers vs. Supporters

Oh right. It's another source of information to help those of us living with a sufferer of depression to walk on egg shells, carry on regardless, pick up the slack whilst grinning & bearing it.

Nope. It isn't.

I live with someone who suffers from depression, as you might have assumed. It can be miserable. And lonely. When I sought help/support/advice on the internet, all I found were sites full of advice on how to help the Sufferer - nothing seemed to offer us, the Supporters, any support. Why not?

I have no idea why not. As almost everything I read confirms, it is very hard for a Sufferer to take steps towards recovery without some help from someone they are close to. In fact, our family doctor pointed out that it is often very difficult for a Sufferer to realise that their behaviour is indicative of depression and not just 'the way they are' unless they have someone they are close to to point it out to them. Furthermore, it is usually the Supporter who can detail these symptoms/examples of depressive behaviour far more succinctly which makes diagnosis and treatment at least a little easier to initiate.

There are countless sources of information and support for Sufferers, many of which we will be taking a look at over the next 30 posts but I am keen to hear of any resources aimed at providing much-needed support to Supporters. And, to clarify, I do not mean sources of info that tell us how we can help our loved ones. 

What I need is to work out how I am supposed to carry on with the usual demands of life and take extra care of myself and/or my partner when required. That shouldn't be seen as a 'woe is me' looking for pity - quite the contrary. Do you have any practical tips/advice? Do you have a Back-up Plan for when your Sufferer hits a low point? Is every day a low point? Do you have a support network of friends/family you can call on? Do you actually call on them?

I hope you'll join me and I welcome your comments. All I ask is that, if you are the Sufferer rather than the Supporter, you bear in mind that this has been designated a safe space for Supporters to seek solace and if that should include having a good old whinge about how tough it is living with and loving their Sufferers, then so be it.

Here's to the journey folks!

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Living with a sufferer of depression

My partner suffers from depression.

Living with and loving someone who suffers from depression is incredibly challenging and in so many different ways.

One of the hardest things is having very little knowledge or understanding of Depression - its causes/symptoms/cures (!) and I really should be better informed.

My hope is that at the end of these 31 Days of Writing, I will have become far more informed, shared that knowledge with anyone reading out there and perhaps created a place where others in my situation can share advice, support and sometimes an ear that's willing to hear us rant!

If you're along for the ride, it'll no doubt be a bumpy one...but you're probably used to that already!

Posts in this Series
2. Sufferers vs Supporters
3. www.mind.org.uk & What is Depression?
4. The Chicken or the Egg?
5. Cartoon Time
6. The Rough with the Smooth
7. Keeping the Plates Spinning
8. An Apology.
9. GOAL!
10. Change by Portia Nelson
11. Facebook Friends and Party People
12. Dog-sitting
13. Dear Diary...
14. What Depression Is Not.
15. Houston...we have a problem
16. DEPRESSION - The Most Important Piece Of Advice
17. Before you diagnose yourself with depression...
18. Separation will keep you together
19. Nature vs. Depression
20. Mirror, Mirror...
21. GUEST POST: "I can't be bothered", by My Sufferer
22. The Rain
23. 10 Things that might just help with Depression
24. Dog-fighting 
25. Life is a Rollercoaster 
26. Caring for someone with depression : netdoctor article
27. Worthlessness
28. Vitality 
29. Epiphany and Inertia
30. Where to next?
31. My Way 


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