My Way

If you are supporting someone who suffers from depression, you absolutely have to take care of yourself. Wherever possible - and I know most of the time it's impossible - you must put yourself first. Any chance you get to do something for you, do it. Anything that makes you smile, satisfied or gives you solace.

To that end, I am going to be selfish with today's post.

Every day for the last 31 days I have posted about my Sufferer's depression and our life together. I haven't missed a day. I can hardly believe it. In the face of all of life's myriad challenges, I have achieved what I set out to do.

Beyond that, people have actually been reading what I have written. The cherry on the top is that those who have shared their thoughts with me have told me how they have enjoyed the blog, found it helpful, related to it, learned something.

Undoubtedly, I could have done better. But I did it, nonetheless.

And I won't stop doing it. As and when I have something relevant to share, I'll post it for all to see. Keep popping back.

In the meantime, I leave you with my sentiments on this project :)

 
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PS: Huge thanks to my Sufferer for lettin gme share all of this with the world x

Epiphany & Inertia

My Sufferer read the post I wrote yesterday and he liked it. Always nice to hear - especially as he wasn't expecting to enjoy this project and half-expected a collection of 31 rants about how rubbish he is! [In fairness, I'm as surprised as he is!]

What has exceeded all of my expectations, however, is that my post made him think. And he realised something. For the first time in fifteen years, he has been able to see that he is constantly waiting for the next thing to happen that moves his life on. He doesn't see that he is master of his own destiny but rather a pawn in someone else's game.

He went on to tell me how disappointed he has been with his progress - or perceived lack thereof - over the last couple of weeks. From my perspective, he has taken many steps in the right direction and I'm really pleased for him. What was particularly interesting was that this wasn't delivered in the usual context and by the usual means. This wasn't the black dog beating my Sufferer iver the head with how much better he should be doing by now. Oh no. This was HIM talking to me. Like two people discussing the weather almost. So matter of fact. And yet so considered. I consider this a bloody huge breakthrough!

I can't help but think just how tough it must be to live in a state of inertia. Maybe that would be a better name for depression. Living as though someone else has the strings. Sometimes thinking for a moment that you can take control but always being pulled back by the perceived puppeteer.

It made me think of this song - a song I know well and love. Reviewing the lyrics, I can't believe how apt it is. This one's for you.

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An Apology.

I have lived with my Sufferer for six years now and it is only today - just now, in fact - having watched this video, that I have seen his black dog.

I feel so guilty that all I have noticed are the effects his black dog has had on our life, rather than the burden it is to him in everything he does, or tries to do. In everything he thinks. Feels. Is.

I will do everything in my power to help him tame that black dog. It might still crap on the carpet occasionally. But not on us.

Not on my Sufferer.

Not anymore.

Thank you to Sarah Tanner for sending me this invaluable lesson.
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The Rough with the Smooth

I've said it before but I'll say it again just to be clear. Living with a Sufferer of depression is challenging but it's not all hellish misery and frustration. Not every minute of every day is an uphill struggle through treacle. Today was one of those good days. As such, this will be a rather more personal post than most.

Life is busy at the moment in our house. We only moved recently so there is still a certain amount of organising that needs doing - none of which is getting done at the moment! We have three children - one at senior school who is just learning to balance the demands of homework and social life, a toddler with two settings - sleep and run, and a six-month old who has just started weaning.

On top of all this background 'busy'ness, my partner also runs a business from home and with an event to finalise and run in only 48 hours there has been a great long list of things to be done. If you know depression, you'll know that getting things done can be impossible for many reasons. I've been draughted in to help wherever necessary - just a few weeks ago, this meant that I was expected to do everything and I was at the end of my tether. Utterly overwhelmed with the demands of day-to-day life, the move, the homework and now I was going to have to roll up my sleeves and get stuck in to an event I knew little of in an industry I knew nothing of.

But today was different. In fact, 'things' have been improving every day. Only in teeny steps but they are all heading in the right direction. Today we actually seemed to be on an even keel. And that is no mean feat! Yes, the kitchen is a tip. The cupboards are bare because a) we haven't had time to go shopping, but b) we also haven't had time to un/load the dishwasher! Everything kitchen-related (and a fair few random items!) have begun to settle in on the worktop. Oh, and some of the dirty washing has made it as far as a basket in front of the washing machine but there it remains, unwashed.

What was different today though was the action my partner exuded. I don't think I heard "I just can't" once today - well, I may have uttered it when it came to 'magicking' dinner from The Kitchen of Doom. We wrote a list on the whiteboard in our office - a joint effort rather than me adopting the role of military dictator, we identified who would do what and in what order, and we got shit done! Woohoo! There's still a pile of stuff to do and things seem to be falling out of place as quickly as we slot them in but it felt today as though we (that's WE, not I) could handle it...together.

Having finally made it to the dinner table, we sat and smiled through our baby's first proper meal. He is the World's happiest baby almost all the time anyway but tonight, chomping on a crust of toast, some baby sweetcorn and finally a (very boring) baby biscuit, he shone. To a joint chorus of "he's learning how to eat so nicely from you because you're his big brother", and more chuckling than I've heard in a long while, the littlest one shared his smiley, slobbery adventure with us all. What could easily have been a stressful event, relying on my planning and execution while my partner dipped in and out or cruised through on auto-pilot, has actually given us all a lovely shared memory of baby's first dinner and a satisfying end to that very rare thing - a productive day.

Just when I thought the day had finished on a good note, my best friend sent me a message and a video link. She said it reminded her of the two of us and our inability to avoid the giggles when we were working together. In fact, the harder we tried to stop, the worse we got. Every time. And there have been very many over the 15 or so years we've known and loved each other. The video - which is a 'must watch' - made me laugh. Again. And it reminded me just how good it feels to laugh.

We should all have laughter in our lives. When we find something that tickles us, we should remember just how lucky we are - not everyone has the opportunity and some of those who do just can't enjoy these little things when they come along.

Enjoy!

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Living with a sufferer of depression

My partner suffers from depression.

Living with and loving someone who suffers from depression is incredibly challenging and in so many different ways.

One of the hardest things is having very little knowledge or understanding of Depression - its causes/symptoms/cures (!) and I really should be better informed.

My hope is that at the end of these 31 Days of Writing, I will have become far more informed, shared that knowledge with anyone reading out there and perhaps created a place where others in my situation can share advice, support and sometimes an ear that's willing to hear us rant!

If you're along for the ride, it'll no doubt be a bumpy one...but you're probably used to that already!

Posts in this Series
2. Sufferers vs Supporters
3. www.mind.org.uk & What is Depression?
4. The Chicken or the Egg?
5. Cartoon Time
6. The Rough with the Smooth
7. Keeping the Plates Spinning
8. An Apology.
9. GOAL!
10. Change by Portia Nelson
11. Facebook Friends and Party People
12. Dog-sitting
13. Dear Diary...
14. What Depression Is Not.
15. Houston...we have a problem
16. DEPRESSION - The Most Important Piece Of Advice
17. Before you diagnose yourself with depression...
18. Separation will keep you together
19. Nature vs. Depression
20. Mirror, Mirror...
21. GUEST POST: "I can't be bothered", by My Sufferer
22. The Rain
23. 10 Things that might just help with Depression
24. Dog-fighting 
25. Life is a Rollercoaster 
26. Caring for someone with depression : netdoctor article
27. Worthlessness
28. Vitality 
29. Epiphany and Inertia
30. Where to next?
31. My Way 


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